please allow me to share I

May be this is not new to some of you. I thought it is great as a reminder. I have picked part of it. Lets see..

A Buddhist view of Relationships
by Eddy Canfor-Dumas
Why him? Why her?
In fact, as we chant and study the life-philosophy of Nichiren Daishonin, we can go even deeper into ourselves and begin to see and understand the pattern of our attraction to certain people. For, as Nichiren Daishonin teaches, two people who have chosen to live in a close relationship fit each other perfectly, in all their strengths and weaknesses. Describing the relationship of husband and wife in thirteenth century Japan, he says:

When a husband is happy, his wife will be fulfilled. If a husband is a thief, his wife will become one, too. This is not a matter of this life alone. A man and wife are as close as a body and shadow, flowers and fruit, or roots and leaves, in every existence of life (Major writings, Vol.1, p.146).

This observation is based on the Buddhist principle of the Ten Worlds. Buddhism teaches that all people share ten basic life conditions – Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Tranquility, Rapture, Learning, Realization, Boddhisatva and Buddhahood, all of which have certain characteristics.

Hell is the world of suffering; Hunger is the world of insatiable desire; Animality is the world of the instinct. Anger is dominated by the ego, Tranquillity (Humanity) by calmness, Rapture by momentary pleasure, Learning is characterized by the desire to learn from the teachings of others, Realization by the desire to improve oneself through one’s own efforts, and Boddhisatva by the exercise of compassion. Buddhahood, which is revealed through chanting Nam myoho renge kyo, acts as a kind of positive filter which brings out all of the beneficial, value-creating aspects of the other nine worlds.

Everyone tends to live predominantly in one or two of these life conditions, which, although they are displayed according to the personality of each individual, retain their basic characteristics. Thus, one person might be brash and boastful and another quietly superior, but both are exhibiting aspects of the world of Anger, the ego.

The important thing about this, as far as relationships go, is that we tend to be attracted to those people who share the same basic life condition as ourselves.

A person in the grip of Animality, for instance, will take every opportunity to indulge in instinctive pleasures – sex, food, drink, sleep – usually with little thought for the consequences of his actions. He will tend to be attracted to someone who is also in the grip of Animality, even though the object of his attentions might not exhibit all the same aspects of the life condition. For instance, both might share an appetite for sex and alcohol, but one might consistently defer to the wishes of the other in all other matters – as Nichiren Daishonin says of Animality, ‘It is the nature of beasts to threaten the weak and fear the strong’ (Major Writings, Vol.1, p.34).

Exactly how the Ten Worlds operate in individuals can be extremely subtle, and there is no space here to analyse all their various nuances. And they are by no means all bad. Each of the Ten Worlds has both negative and positive aspects (except Buddhahood, which is wholly positive), so if we are fortunate enough to be dominated by, say, the positive aspects of the world of Tranquility (or Humanity) – clear, reasoned judgement – our chances of forging a successful relationship will be much higher than if we are in the clutches of Hell, whether or not we chant Nam myoho renge kyo.

Even so, as we chant about our present and past relationships, we begin to identify which of the Ten Worlds have been dominant in them. Almost invariably, we see that we have been attracted to the same type of person, ‘chosen’ by our own dominant life state.

This pattern Buddhism calls our ‘karma’, habitual behaviour which we are bound to repeat. Take the couple described above. If the man begins to despise his partner’s weakness and continual deference – one of the very things that attracts him in the first place – he might eventually end the relationship. Being dominated by Animality, however, he is only attracted to those who share characteristics similar to the person he has just left. They might appear in a different form –this time, for instance, he might play the subservient role – but essentially he will find himself in the same kind of relationship.

Breaking the pattern.
It is to break out of the pattern imposed on us by our karma that we chant. As we do so and reflect on our actions, we begin to see our motives more clearly. And after a time (it varies from person to person), if we conclude that our attitude is based on the negative aspects of one of the Ten Worlds – especially the ‘lower worlds’ of Hell, Hunger, Animality, Anger, Tranquility or Rapture – we determine to challenge and change it, for the happiness of both ourselves and our partner (present or future).

At the same time we struggle to base our relationships increasingly on the world of Buddhahood, with its deep respect for the inherent dignity of life and for the fundamental equality of all people. For ultimately, Buddhism teaches, it is a relationship based on shared goals, respect and equality that stands more chance of enduring and growing than one based on passion, romance or unrealistic expectations of our partner’s ability to make us happy. As Nichiren Daishonin states:

Explain all this to your wife, and work together like the sun and the moon, a pair of eyes, or the two winds of a bird. With the sun and the moon, how can you fall into the path of darkness? With a pair of eyes, how can you fail to behold the faces of Shakyamuni, Taho and all the other Buddhas of the universe? With a pair of wings, you will surely be able to fly in an instant to the Buddha land of eternal happiness (Major Writings, Vol.2, p.231).

What does this mean in practical terms? First, if we are not involved with anyone at present but wish to be, it means making a strong determination to meet the right person for our happiness – which also means the right person for kosen-rufu – and then, effectively, forgetting about it. Lodged deep in our lives, the desire to meet the right person, coupled with a strong daily practice, will eventually draw that person to us when the time is right.

In the meantime, instead of being obsessed with having ‘a relationship’ and feeling sorry for ourselves that we are alone, we can concentrate on creating value in our society and growing as strong and independent individuals – who are, anyway, generally more attractive to others than those who are always desperately seeking someone.

‘The right partner for kosen-rufu’ does not mean, however, that there will only ever be one person ‘out there’ with whom we can possibly build a happy relationship, whom we somehow hunt out with our chanting; neither does it mean that he or she should necessarily be a Buddhist.

There may, in fact, be more than one person with whom we forge successful, creative relationships on the path of our human revolution towards finding our partner for life. They may or may not be Buddhists (although this would be hard with someone vehemently and consistently opposed to our practice). And even if our partner never chants, if we do our utmost to respect and support him or her in the fulfillment of his or her unique purpose in this life, he or she will respect and support us in turn, and help us fulfil our unique purpose, too.

In this context, chanting is a means of developing sufficient good fortune, through our thoughts, words and deeds based on Buddhahood, to be in the right position to meet the right person at the right time. Chanting also helps us develop enough wisdom to recognize the potential that exists in that other person (and any existing relationship we might have), and then to decide whether to act or not.

So, secondly, once we meet someone to whom we are attracted, we should chant seriously before we become romantically (or sexually) involved with him or her. We need the wisdom (and courage) of our Buddhahood to look clearly and honestly at the nature of our attraction. And if our wisdom counsels against involvement, we must listen to it – or face the inevitable consequences. Our karma to be drawn to a certain type of person may be very strong, but if we have suffered from it in the past, it is only by not succumbing to it now that we can hope to change our pattern of unhappy relationships.

What’s gone wrong?
Once in a relationship, then, it follows that we must chant seriously about all of the problems that it will inevitably throw up, however minor they might seem at the time – for, in Everett’s words, ‘Tall oaks from little acorns grow.’

Buddhism teaches that however passionate two people are at the start of their relationship, over the course of time the intensity of that feeling will fade and change. This is because romantic love is all too often a manifestation of the world of Rapture, which is, by definition, short-lived. The passing of the rapturous phase does not necessarily mean that the couple will have stopped loving each other – although some people think this is what has happened and can get very worried – but that other aspects of the Ten Worlds have come to the fore.

For example, through the rose-tinted spectacles of Rapture, Ms A is beguiled by Mr B’s easy-going charm. But as Rapture fades, as it must, she’s increasingly irritated by what she now sees as his laziness and refusal ever to take a stand on anything. In other words, the Tranquility that attracted her has begun to repel her.