i flipped. i flapped

It has been a tough time. I am living my daily life. I realized things don't go right.

I refuse to grow stronger inside, while I am physically training myself to. How pathetic that is to know that.

People always say "I will do this...", "I will do that...". Look how you behave when you face real difficulties. I don't know how to cope with constant disappointment anymore, but I can't quit or take a break of my life, I have to move on, at least I am moving on... regardless of a clear direction or on the right track.
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does miracle exist?
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What is happiness? (updated)

I love this book very much, I bring it along with me everyday, it is the book that I shared with my brother when he was down, and the book that supported me when I face the worst condition (I was lost) in my life, this book called "A Piece of Mirror and Other Essays" by Daisaku Ikeda.


Below is one of the article extracted from "A Piece of Mirror"
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"You will never find happiness if you don't challenge you weakness and change yourself from within."

What is the purpose of life? It is to become happy. Whatever country or society people live in, they all have the same deep desire: to become happy.

Yet, there are few ideals as difficult to grasp as that of happiness. In our daily life we constantly experience happiness and unhappiness, but we are still quite ignorant as to what happiness really is.

A young friend of mine once spent a long time trying to work out what happiness was, particularly happiness for women. When she first thought about happiness, she saw it as a matter of becoming financially secure or getting married. (The view in Japanese society then was that happiness for a women was only be found in marriage.) But looking at friends who were married, she realised that marriage did not necessarily guarantee happiness. She saw couples who had been passionately in love suffering from discord soon after their wedding. She saw women who had married m en with money or status but who fought constantly with their husbands.

Gradually, she realised that the secret of happiness lay in building a strong inner self that no trial or hardship could ruin. She saw that happiness for everyone - man or woman - does not come simply from having a formal education, from wealth or from marriage. It begins with having strength to confront and conquer one's own weakness. Only then does it become possible to lead a truly happy life and enjoy a successful marriage.

She finally told me. "Now I can say with confidence that happiness doesn't exist in the past or in the future. It only exists within our state of life right now, here in the present, as we face the challenges of daily life."

I agree entirely. You yourself know best whether you are feeling joy or struggling with suffering. These things are not known to other people. Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who is not fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

Happiness is not a life without problems, but rather the strength to overcome the problems that come our way. There is no such thing as a problem-free life; difficulties are unavoidable. But how we experience and react to our problems depends on us.

Buddhism teaches that we are each responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness. Our vitality - the amount of energy or 'lifeforce' we have - is in fact the single most important factor in determining whether or not we are happy.

True happines is to be found within, in the state of our hearts. It does not exist on the far side of some distant mountains. It is within you, yourself. However much you try, you can never run away from yourself. And if you are weak, suffering will follow you wherever you go. You will never find happiness if you do not challenge your weakness and change yourself from within. Happiness is to be found in the dynamism and energy of your own life as you struggle to overcome one obstacle after another. This is why I believe that a person who is active and free from fear is truly happy.

The challenges we face in life can be compared to a tall mountain, rising before a mountain climber. For sometimes who has not trained properly, whose muscles and reflexes are weak and slow, every inch of climb will be filled with terror and pain. The exact same climb, however will be a thrilling journey for someone who is prepared, whose arms and legs have been strengthen by constant training. With each step forward and up, beautiful new views will come into sight.
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My teacher used to talk about two kind of happiness - 'relative' happiness and 'absolute' happiness. Relative happiness is happiness that depends on things outside ourselves: friends and family, surroundings, the size of our home or family income. This is what we feel when a desire is fulfilled, or something we have longed for is obtained. While the happiness such things bring us is certainly real, the fact is that none of this lasts forever. Things change. People change. This kind of happiness shatters easily when external conditions alter.

Relative happiness is also based on comparison with others. We may feel this kind of happiness at having a new or bigger home than the neighbours. But that feeling turns into misery the moment they start making new additions to theirs!

Absolute happiness, on the other hand, is something we must find within. It means establishing a state of life in which we are never defeated by trials, and where just being alive is a source of great joy. This persists no matter what we might be lacking, or what might happen around us. A deep sense of joy is something which can only exist in the innermost reaches our life, and which cannot be destroyed by external forces. It is eternal and inexhaustible.

This kind of satisfaction is to be found in consistent and repeated effort, so that we can say, "Today, again, I did my very best. Today, again, I have no regrets. Today, again, I won." The accumulated result of such efforts is a life of great victory.

What we should compare is not ourselves against others. We should compare who are we today against who we were yesterday, who we are today against who we will be tomorrow. While this may seem simple and obvious, true happiness is found in a life of constant advancement. And the same worries that could have made us miserable can actually be a source of growth when we approach them with courage and wisdom.

One friend whose dramatic life proved this was Natalia Satz, who founded the first children's theatre in MMoscow. In the 1930s, she and her husband were marked by Soviet Union's secret police. Even though they were guilty of no crime, her husband was arrested and executed and she was sent to a prison camp in the frozen depths of Siberia. After she recovered from the initial shock, she started looking at her situation, not with despair, but for opportunity.

She realised that many of her fellow prisoners had special skills and talents. She began organising a 'university', encouraging the prisoners to share their knowledge. "Youg, You are scientist. Teach us about science. You are an artist. Talk to us about art." In this way, the boredom and terror of the prison camp were transformed into the joy of learning and teaching. Eventually, she even made use of her own unique talents to organise a theatre group.

She survived the five-year prison sentence, and dedicated the rest of the long life to creating children's theatre. When we met for the first time in Moscos 1981, she was already in her 80s. She was as radiant as buoyant as a young girl. Her smile of someone who has triumph over the hardships of life. Hers is the kind of spirit I had in mind when I wrote the following poem on 'Happiness':

A person with a vast heart is happy.
Such a person lives each day with a broad and embracing spirit.
A person with a strong will is happy.
Such a person can confidently enjoy life, never defeated by suffering.
A person with a profound spirit is happy.
Such a person can savour life's depths while creating meaning and value that will last for eternity.
A person with a pure mind is happy.
Such a person is always surrounded by refreshing breezes of joy.

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happy searching for happiness
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good. outstanding.

The conductor of FYSB(Fei Young Symphonic Band) asked us, "Who do you want to be? A good student or an outstanding student?" I pondered for a few seconds -- Ideally we want to be an outstanding student, it sounds better than just a good student, but I don't know why.

Q:
"Do you know what is the difference?"
A:
"A good student get 10 A's, very good, because he/she spent 10 hours on studies"
"An outstanding student get 10 A's, very good, but he/she spent 5 hours on studies, spending another 5 hours for creating some valuable history/activities."

Interesting? That is why we should talk to people, share with people about things that we can never learned from school or text book.
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a great dialog we had before we go on for the last rehearsal.
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sickness

today I am looking at map of the world, measuring how far from Malaysia to New Zealand, with my finger tips. I know what I am facing is nothing bigger than the world. I know all that I am suppose to be positive. No one can help me even my friends talk to me for 10 hours. It's just me that is too stubborn on letting go and be myself. I am kind of sick.
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I need to go out of the city and play with the sea, sky and mountain.
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so calm

I was alone by myself in the school at night, was not facing the computer screen, I was drawing my own world on an A3 paper, with pencil, i felt so calm, so good, I never realized this can be so good when I am drawing. I do agree if people say that i am too imaginative, yet, it doesn't mean that I am dreaming, and I still living in reality. It is not a bad thing for being yourself isn't it?
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Do your friends love you for who your are?
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{ seducing sky }

The sky is simply irresistable. Especially when I am driving on sundays, I can't stop switching focus all over the place in the sky. When there are lots of clouds in the sky, different type of clouds, tell different stories, different characters, anything that we can imagine is all in the sky. Sometimes it's fun when I see some clouds don't want to friend with other clouds.

It's ! dangerous ! I know. Same to those guys who can't take eyes off from sexy girls walking along the sidewalk, at corner of the drive way, pretty girls billboard from 5km away, tv commercials with gorgeous girls at the junction, cute girls waiting to cross the road next to the traffic lights.
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poor little rabbit with no ears. no one wants to play with him.
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{ abuse attitude }

The word "attitude" is being too frequently used in our daily life.

The biggest problem of this word is how many people know about attitude. Attitude problem is a very big issue, there is no defination for attitude problem I believe. Who is going to judge who has no attitude problem at all? Who is willing to be judged? Everyone will never can be everyone's cup of tea.

Everyone has got attitude in a way. So, who are they, who has attitude problem? What's wrong with the problem, when some problems don't seemed to be some other people's problem? got it ? no ? Look, a peacock, when he spread his most notable extravagant tail, you will see him arrogant or beautiful? While it is indeed displaying a part of courtship and result of sexual selection. I do confuse about attitude. Not that I want to make things complicated, are humans just a great dilemma?
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got attitude? tell me.
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{ are we like that? }

In these warm weather days, cold drinks are what we need most of the time. Especially when we go to the petrol station and fill up our cars' tank, we wouldn't have forget to fulfill the thirsty us as well.

ARhhhh~~~~ SO coooooooool. These drinks are simply urging you to grab them and quench your thirst.........

No no no.. I am not asking you to choose which one you would want to walk off with. I am wondering. Are you going to open the glass panel first then only choose which you want? OR you will just stand in front of the CLEAR glass refrigerator and "scan" through ( *using your eyes* ) the drinks before you decide, then only open the glass panel and take the one you want? Well, there is no right or wrong, it's fun when I see people do the same thing in different ways.
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we are just unexplained sometimes, aren't we?
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{ Difference between ... }

Sometimes, the difference between male & female is not much difference, don't you think so? no offence, Avril fans or MCR fans, to me, they are like one male version and one female version of having the almost the same face ( only when they smile or sing ). Look, they have their special smile :)


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is this why people say I have been thinking too much? As they don't even look alike at all?
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{ be GREAT }

Thank you for the one who arranged this. A sharing session from Wong Kit Yaw (18 years experience in the dance career). He has shared plenty of experience of being a creative person and being someone that is so passionate for his own interest. He dance. Talk dance, eat dance, sleep dance... I could strongly feel that from him.


It is so true that he said, inspiration does not just come by itself, inspiration has to be observed. According to him, being a creative person can't take lack of inspiration as an excuse for being stuck in execution of a piece of art. When it is lack of inspiration, it caused by lack of sensitivity towards the surrounding. Things are always there, when they are being observed and filtered or processed after an individual's thoughts, here comes all inspiration. He reads and writes always, that makes him creative all the time.

Last but not least, another thing that touched my heart so much was, "When someone is so eagerly to be GREAT of doing something else, will never be." Great or not will defined by people after us. As long as we do things that we so passion for whole-heartedly, it is GREAT enough.
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Think more sometimes, it's kinda good, but not too much like me.
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{ your smile }

I have lost a bookmark. There were these words printed on it - 你微笑的弧度让我的心情荡秋千 (your smile's "circumference" makes my mood playing on the swing *something like that*).
I found this phrase really cute and meaningful. We all know that a smile from someone really does matter.



Someone that you thought he/she will never forgive you, someone that you thought he/she already forgotten you, someone that you wish to know for long long time ago? We always receive one email about " Don't frown, You won't know that someone would fall in love with your smile ".

When it was those old school days, we were very used to write letters. Eventhough the letter is for the classmate who was seated next to you. At the seal of the letter, we would write " open with smile ". Remember?
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read with smile :)
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{ It is not that disgusting }

Both of us, my younger sister and I think that we are kind of having the "Lesbian" tendency. As we like to see pretty girls all the time, of course, good-looking guys as well. We somehow tend to fall in love with some girls after knowing them better. That could be simply just admire their talent, or attracted to the personality and attitude.


To me, it isn't really really "lesbian". It is another kind of Love expression. Besides that, we do prefer the opposite gender, BUT it is not bisexual either. Everyone likes to see beautiful things, likes to know more about the things they like, nothing's wrong about falling in love with the things that you like.

Some people like the non-living things, unseen objects, such as ? In love with cars. In love with music. In love with the feeling of puffing the coffin nail :) So, why not the same gender ? We at least love living things that with emotion and someone that might love you in return, kittens & puppies for instant.
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I love my sister. I would love her even if she wasn't my sister :P
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{ Fly me to the moon }

"Why is the moon keep following us? " I remember that I asked my parents a question like that when I was very young, in the car, on the way home at night. Sometimes on my right side, sometimes at the back.

Now, I'd realized that there is actually a meaning behind this fact. Moon is a friend indeed.


She hides sometimes, but always there. When we look upon the sky, everyone is looking at the same moon - You are not alone. That's why when people overseas who miss their home so much, they look upon the sky naturally. Those romantic couples, they "swear by the moon & stars in the sky". Moon & stars seem like icons for eternity, here comes to "Friends Forever" & "Forever Love".
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this full moon night. May be I will name my daugther "moon" in the future. So that, she will be everyone's good friend.
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{ 3 days holidays with 4 types of medicines }

My mom said i was too exhausted. I had a 3 days straight holidays. Sleeping at home all day long. I've never been such a good patient before, perhaps I was really burned out.

My working place was all black out this morning, so I had been a good girl by reading The Buddha in Daily Life. There is a phrase that I'd like to share with the friends who cares to read this, here it goes : " When I die it will be a celebration of how precious my life is. " - Stewart Anderson - one of the longest-surviving AIDS patient in UK.

To me this is another perspective on how people look into the Life & Death issue.
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I know life is precious. I will take good care of myself from now onwards.

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